After the year 1999, which was a time filled, on and off, with Apocalyptic Expectation; there followed an extended period of reflection and exploration. I would spend a fair bit of time checking out the Religions and various Cults found in London. It was a time of incubation and an important formative period. I knew what I had to do with my life, the problem now was figuring out exactly how to do it.
The year is 2000, I was 30 years old and almost my entire adult life had been spent in a state of separation and alienation from normal society, the world of careers, child raring, mortgages and paying taxes. I now had it in my mind to come back into the world and share the things that I had learned. I was now on a mission to try to explain to the wider world this idea that a person’s true identity was really God and also that the prophecies found in the World’s religions were manifesting in present times. I was very fired up with zeal and enthusiasm for all the tasks that I wanted to accomplish, but at the same time my years of personal neglect and dysfunctional living, had left me inadequate with respect to the goals that I had set myself. For years, to the neglect of most other things, what had occupied my time was reading, writing, thinking and meditating. These activities defined my life from the time of leaving home to go to university right up to the time currently under discussion. So as a result of this I was quite unworldly and quite lacking in some of the basic skills required for modern living, such as waking up at a decent hour, being able to hold down a job and keeping appointments with people. There followed a period of preparation and training, where I identified the skills I needed and then set about to acquire them.
The first thing I needed to acquaint myself with was the world of Religion. If the purpose of my life was to communicate the truth about God then it was necessary for me to know what people thought about God and also what the World’s religions had to say on the matter. So from around the year 2000 onwards and also slightly before, I set about going all over London to join in with religious activities and also to talk with religious and culty people in order to discuss their beliefs and get to know what sort of people believed in what. In other words to get into the mind of the religious believer and see things from their perspective. I would visit churches, temples, mosques and the headquarters of various sects and cults or any religious Festival that I knew was going on in town. This field study was much augmented by book learning and the things I would read at any one moment would have correspondence with the places and religions that I was visiting during that time. So for instance, If I happened to be visiting a lot of Buddhist temples and meeting a lot of Buddhists then I would spend a lot of time reading Buddhist scriptures and also learn about the history of Buddhism from various sources. The religion or cult that I was investigating at any one time would focus my studies around relevant material and really helped to integrate all the facts in my head in a meaningful way. So these visits to Religious and Culty places allowed me to meet and discuss with the appropriate people, the things that I had read and which would be on my mind.
I had a definite idea of what the truth was i.e. that Everyone was God, and this was often not the same view that other religious people had. So these meetings would often degenerate into a debate when I would express my own religious views as reasonably and persuasively as I could. But of course my views were usually seen as quite heretical and abberant. However these discussions and meetings really aided my study of religion and gave me practice in talking about and presenting my viewpoint.
Another beneficial side effect of all these visits to the cults and religions based in London was that these sorts of places could be a great oppurtunity to get a free meal. It seemed to be a standard culty recruitment technique, i.e. feed them then indoctrinate them. Often because this was the underlying intent, the food could actually be quite good. So my genuine interest in Religion had the positive consequence of improving my diet as well augmenting my spiritual perspectives on life. I actually worked out that with detailed knowledge of the times during which free food was served by the various cults and religious organizations based in London, and a willingness to travel around a bit; then you could satisfy most of your nutritional requirements while at the same time hang out with religious or culty people. These were exactly the sort of people who were most interesting to me at that point of my life..
It was during this period of investigating into the nature of religion that I learned that the idea that everyone is God can be found at the heart of all the World’s faith traditions. This came about partly as a result of the fact that around this time I was trying to convince religious people of various faiths that their true identity was God. So in order to do this I had to learn about their faiths in order to communicate with them in a way that they could appreciate. This led me to systematically read up on the history and development of the World’s religions, which led to the following discovery. Almost without exception, a pattern repeated in the evolution of all the world’s religions is that the idea of a person’s true identity being God, was the seed and catalyst that would kick start and stimulate the formation of religion in the first place. A prophet would experience being one with God and it was this which was key to the initial formulation of religion. Then over the course of time this truth would be obscured, censored and suppressed so that later on this central idea behind all World religion would become forgotten and lost. Anyway, back to my story...
So I was preparing myself for what I had to do with my life which was to communicate to the world the idea that everyone is God and also that the prophesies of the World’s religions were manifesting in present times. I decided that a key skill I needed to get to grips with was how to implement websites and to learn how the internet and world wide web worked.
It was rather fortuitously and quite Synchronous that in the fall of 2000, I was put on a government run training program which taught unemployed outcasts like myself how to write HTML(which is an acronym for Hyper Text Mark-up Language), which is the script in which internet websites are written. Later after the course finished, I stayed on with the organization which ran the web design course working as a trainer. This enabled me to sharpen my web design skills. It also gave me a 9 to 5 routine of having to wake up at a decent hour and going to an office like environment five days a week. This helped my reassimilation into normal mainstream society. I think the process of trying to teach people how to create their own websites and explaining to them various aspects of how computers and the Internet worked was actuall a useful activity in gearing me up to later explain to people that they were God. This routine lasted about half a year into the Spring of 2001. During this time I also kept up my religious studies and also taught myself a lot about information technology, including things which I considered useful for my mission. This included new developments in IT that had occurred since I finished my degree in computing science some 10 years previous to this time. And so in this way I equipped myself with technological skills useful for communicating religious and mystical ideas.
At this point in my life there existed in me a terrific tension. There was a terrific gulf between my World changing aspirations on the one hand, and my day to day reality on the other. I was still nowwhere in this World. I had not really accumulated anything much tangible with my life. No assets, nor gained any status or any sort of recognition within wider society. I felt like a sort of loser, an underdog. Often during the day and early evening, my head would be filled with awesome thoughts, my mind would soar majestically in the realm of ideas and visions. But then this would be punctuated by a crashing fall when I came back down to earth to the reality of my physical circumstances and the life I was leading.
I recall that at around this time in my life I would entertain intense messianic thoughts. For instance sometimes I would think about mystical things, contemplate at length my true nature as God and this might lead me into thinking of doing Messianic things. Or lead me thinking that I was the Chosen one and had a special unique role to play in the proper unfolding of the World drama.
This Messianic undercurrent had already been a background feature of my life and make up. A year or so earlier in 1999, I had in the back of my mind anticipated that the Nostradamus Prophecy which predicted some happening in the July of that year, the awakening of the ‘King of the Mongols’, might involve something directly happening to me personally. However nothing transpired, yet still the belief clung to me that somehow in my life I would be playing some sort of instrumental role in the unfolding of the Prophecies. I suppose this messianic outlook would have partly come about through the mystical experiences of having become God that affected me so in the previous few years Also this attitude would have been due to the fact that even before my life had taken something of a religious turn, I was already embarked on an undertaking which I believed would have World changing consequences, i.e. working out how the brain worked and creating Artificial Intelligence. My intention and long term goal had always been to do something dramatic and important with my life. After the discovery that my real identity is God and my life taking on a decidedly Mystical and Religious orientation, then how I saw my role and purpose in this World, started to border on the Messianic with the occasionally complete crossing over.
Three things would conspire around 2000 to 2001 to make me think hard about Messianic matters. They were in chronological order, firstly watching the Matrix movie in the Spring of 2000, secondly a computer game called ‘Deus Ex’ which captured my attention in the Summer of 2000 and thirdly watching the TV adaptation of the Dune Trilogy books in early 2001. All three of these media influences had a very high Messianic content. The Sci Fi Movie and modern myth, The Matrix was about a Prophesized Chosen One who would save a World and release an enslaved people. The computer game Deus Ex involved a character who as the game progressed would hold the fate of the World in his hands and determine the future of the Planet. Finally the Dune TV series based on the books by Frank Herbert was a modern Myth set on another World, also involved Mystical experiences and a Prophesized Messianic character who would renew a World and bring about a better new order. I see in retrospect how these modern myths, two in the form of video media and the other communicated as a computer game, influenced me and inspired in me messianic thoughts.
The Storylines behind the Matrix Movie and Dune are quite well known and follow the classic Mythic as well as Apocalyptic archetypes. They are inspiring modern myths along the same lines as the Star Wars movie of the Lord of the Rings books and films. Whereas the game Deus Ex and the storyline behind it is not so well know and actually quite obscure so we’ll provide a quick summary here. The game is set in the future with a look and feel that was influenced by the Matrix film. The undercurrent of the game was one of conspiracy theories and a number of different groups vying for power and World domination. In this context the main character who was controlled by the player of the game had to work his way through this game world, learning about all the plots and sub plots, all the while gaining skills and abilities, as well as weaponry. Eventually through the twist and turns of the game storyline the main character, i.e. the player, would find himself at the centre of all the intrigues, at the heart of the World conspiracy and be in a position to determine the future outcome of history choosing one of several endings, one where he effectively becomes like a Messiah, another involving plunging the World into a state of Chaos and the other is where he helps a secret society to maintain their control of World events. All the endings are World changing.
It has been said that the interactive nature of computer games may have the effect of influencing people’s behaviour in real life. This may or may not be the case, but this particular computer game Deus Ex certainly served to accentuate certain attitudes and beliefs that I already had and would definitely have encouraged certain sorts of behaviours and thoughts of the Messianic variety. In particular I remember how one piece of dialogue in the game Deus Ex grabbed my attention and stimulated a lot of thinking. At one point in the game one of the central characters was talking about some of the motives and beliefs behind World Politics and described how, ‘The most Enlightened or Intelligent man will eventually seize the Eye in the Pyramid and remake the World for everyone else.’ /* Get the actual quote*/ I remember how this one piece of dialogue really caught my imagination. This will perhaps seem laughable to some people, the fact that I thought I was receiving deep and meaning messages from a computer game. Nonetheless it gave me an insight into what the unfolding of the Prophecies and a Messianic role might involve.
Reflections on the Eye in the Pyramid
The eye in the Pyramid is a recurring theme in the Conspiracy theory literature. It is widely seen to represent one vast world encompassing dominance hierarchy with the top of the pyramid, i.e. the Eye, being the overall point of power and apex of control. A symbol found on every US one dollar bill it is often associated with Freemasonry and the mysterious, perhaps completely fictitious, Illuminati. The pyramid is also associated with Masonic ‘Great work of the ages’, which some conspiracy theorists interpret as the building of a Tyrannical One World Order. So in one sense the building of the great pyramid is still a work in progress or the Great Work in progress. A crown for the jewel and a seat in which the eye may sit.
Reflecting on the state of the World, I saw a hierarchy of nested pyramids, each one a organizational hierarchy and all the pyramids of various sizes and scattered all over the planet. So for instance each country and its respective social and political structures would form a pyramid. In turn each of these societal pyramids would be made up of smaller constituents pyramids which might be various legal or political institutions and also perhaps corporations or other commercial entities. I also saw how these smaller constituent pyramids would become merged together in larger pyramids and also become encompassed within larger pyramids which had a wider scope. So Companies and Corporations would merge, and Countries would come together into trading blocks and other political confederations. Then I saw how this process would inevitably lead to the formation of a single all encompassing pyramid that spanned the entire World. I saw how the various forms that this pyramid might take and the various events which would lead up to its creation. For instance the final world pyramid might come about through a process of World War and the dynamics of dominance and submission. Alternatively a clandestine world conspiracy might bring about the world pyramid through some secret and cunning process. Else the World pyramid might gradually come about through processes deriving from feelings of mutual love and a higher understanding that might somehow come to permeate the World and its people.
Therefore I saw the emergence of the World Pyramid as something natural and inevitable. It was the exact nature of this global social, economic and political entity which was uncertain. Whether it would be a Dystopian One World Tyranny or a Utopian Global Village, a World without borders and one of justice, equality, liberty, compassion and love. I saw the formation of this World Pyramid as being something intrinsic to what the prophecies were all about and in my wild and unfettered mystical messianic imagination I supposed that I might one day play some sort of role in determining the outcome of the World situation and the Great Work, the World Pyramid.
I settled on the idea that it was role of the Messiah or Mahdi to somehow climb to the top of the World Pyramid as it was forming and as the last bricks were being put into place. Then to get himself or herself into a position whereby he or she could determine the final make up of the Pyramid and the nature of it. In a sense he or she would for a time seize the Eye, in a sense be the Eye, and be in a position to remake the World, rewrite Religion, Morality and completely re-order the affairs of humanity. In effect determine the future course of humanity.
Also I saw that in the mind of the Messiah a battle would be taking place and it was really the outcome of this internal psychological Cosmic Battle which was critical is determining the future course of the planet. This was the battle between Good and Evil but happening within the psyche of the person who was the conclusion of history and embodiment of the Zeitgeist or Spirit of the Age. If this battle was lost then the World would become an evil place. A ecology and environmental waste land, devoid of spirituality where religion in the hands of an evil Messiah has an instrument of total control, in a way that the some of the Roman Emperors and Muslim Caliphs of Old, could only dream of. Also a technological dystopia where the best of human invention is used to suppress, control and oppress. A total and perpetual One World Tyranny ruled by the bloodline of the Messiah and his chosen ones. I also saw that if this Cosmic Battle within the mind of the Messiah was won for the side of Good then a better and happier World would emerge and one that corresponded to what was described in the Prophecies of the Worlds Religion. The planet and World eco-system and environment would be saved, there would be a spiritual revival and values such as selflessness, justice, meritocracy, freedom and truthfulness would be revived and institutionalized.
So these sorts of thoughts were going round in my head at this point in my life. Unconstrained, unchallenged, ungrounded and uttery Messianic. So my head soared in these sorts of areas of consideration, but the reality of life was quite frankly pathetic. As already mentioned there was a huge chasm between where my thoughts and aspirations were concentrated at this point in my existence and my quite unremarkable, under-achieving life.
The thought processes that go on in the mind of person gripped by this sort of Messianic mindset would be quite strange to most people. It is a state of possession, of being ‘possessed’. A form of divine insanity and would be quite laugable and ridiculous to folks who have never gone through it. At the same time, this mind set is accompanied by an incredible sense of self belief and a confidence which can translate into inspired work and productive thoughts if properly channelled and accompanied with a certain degree of discipline. In these states of mind the impossible was completely doable and the very difficult became completely natural. I remember during this time my attempts at understanding how the Brain worked and working out how to create Artificial Intelligence was making steady progress, propelled in part by these sorts of Messianic energies. I also spent time thinking about how to go about trying to climb to the top of the World Pyramid. In retrospect these states of mind can seem completely insane and an expression of deranged mind. They could also be most exhilarating and would be accompanied by intense highs. A extreme state of mania better than most drug states and in some ways even better than sex. But they were also followed with states of despair and utter despondency. These more negative states would also be useful periods of critical reflection and a time to re-assess all the Messianic output in a different light. A psychiatrist would undoubedly diagnose Bi-Polar disorder and infer some kind of chemical imbalance in the brain. To me these states of mind were a completely natural consequence deriving from the experience of being God or having been ‘One with the Universe’. I also noticed that Sunshine and Caffeine would help to propel the Messianic upswings. Again, a psychiatrist would say Mania and over active Dopamine chemical systems in the brain. From the inside looking out, they were exalted states of mind bordering on the Sublime and straddling the Gates of Heaven, borderline mystical states in other words.
I suppose this Messianic insanity will sometimes be a natural consequence deriving from the experience of having been ‘One with the Universe’, of having become the Universe and God. A person experiences himself or herself as the ultimate and then has to reconcile this with normal reality. On returning from divine heights and coming back down from the Seventh Heaven there is a process of having to assimiliate this knowledge into everyday life. Having already experienced God directly and having realized that this is the true nature of things and our real identity, a person may then in his or her efforts to integrate this self knowledge or Gnosis with the rest of their worldly existence, go through periods where they wonder if they may be the Chosen and Expected One of World Religion. In a funny sort of way it is not so absurd for a person to think that they may be purpose of human history and the central agent of the Prophecies of World Religion, if they have already come to believe, rightly so, that their real nature is the central focus and reason for World Religion in the first place, i.e. God.
As mentioned earlier I had actually encountered and met, mainly in the psychedelic counter culture, around a dozen people who at some point in thier lives thought that they were something along the lines of the Messiah or Second Coming of Christ. Later on in my life this would become an increasingly common occurence, due to my path, my various activities and sheer chance I would meet and become contacted by Messiahs with some regularity. At some point it dawned on me that this was something that was part and parcel of the mystical path and not some kind of deviance in this context. Rather it was something that was often a quite inherent part of the Mystical and Spiritual Odyssey. Earlier on in my life it was something that I mocked and found incomprehensible and totally ridiculous. But now I was seeing things from the inside. If before I considered would be Messiahs and Christs from the perspective of a Neuroscientist or even perhaps a Psychiatrist, here I was now the patient with more understanding and sympathy for the people I used to mock. Though of course my new found sense of affinity did not extend to all Messiah wannabes. Often your typical Messiah candidate would generally be some bloke with a huge ego who spent too much time passively sitting around smoking Cannabis and boasting of all the glorious things that they were going to do to Save the Planet and Change the World etc. I recognized there was something of this in my own make up, though without the sitting around and taking drugs aspect; not at this stage in my life. I knew there had to be a better and more productive way that Messianic thoughts and motivations, mainly deriving from the experience of being God, could be channeled so that Messianic energies could become a force for Good, instead of a path to ridicule and ostracism. So that people on the Messianic path, instead of alienating people and alienating themselves, could instead generate a more positive reaction from people; also going on to achieve tangible goals that could be appreciated by other people and be beneficial to wider society.
Furthermore there was another reason why I believed that a Messianic outlook, while being a social liability, was at the same time a very positive thing. This is because in the same way that the mystical experience of being God naturally led to Messianic thoughts, as described earlier, there was also an interesting reverse relationship. This was the fact that I discovered that by being in the Messianic frame of mind and in ones imagination taking on the role of World Saviour while actually doing things and thinking thoughts to manifest this identity; then on one level it could be the source of great motivational energy but also more importantly it could actually bring me closer to mystical connection with God. The process of taking on the role of the Messiah and trying to manifest the Messiah within oneself and in ones life was in itself a Mystical practice which I found could produce borderline Mystical states and also which in turn would feedback on and encourage the process of trying to manifest the Messiah in our lives.
A few years later I would learn about a Mystical discipline, from India and indirectly via Tibet, called Deity Yoga which is a part of an Esoteric tradition, preserved in these parts of the World, called Tantra. This involved taking on some of the attributes of God, such as compassion or wisdom, as personified by some divine figure or physical manifestation of God, perhaps a Shiva, Buddha or Christ, and then trying to live out these attributes in our real lives. In effect consciously trying to live life as a physical manifestation of God in order to become God. In a sense I had stumbled upon my own version of Deity Yoga, except in my case the physical divine persona I was trying to manifest was that of the Messiah or World Saviour. And the attributes of the focus of my self created Deity Yoga were those that I imagined of the Messiah and what it would take to become a key agent in the process of bringing about the outcome of the Prophecies, i.e. a World of Justice, Peace and Love; together with the overthrow of corrupt tyrannical powers and the rescue of the Environment along with the World Eco-System. Though my system was basic and imperfect it seemed to work for me, inspiring me, giving me hope, motivating productive actions and furthermore also making me feel closer to God. So I came to understand the idea of the Messiah as being an Mystic Archetype that exists within everyone and that everybody could potentially tap into it and manifest it either partially or fully in their lives. I also had the idea the idea of the Messiah can be fused with the traditional mystical discipline of Deity Yoga whereby the Messiah and its attributes would become the meditation focus and what mystical practitioner would try to manifest for real in his or her life.
Another Mystical input to my life would increasingly become more of a feature of my mystical path and mission around this time. It related to the ancient symbol for divinity that I’d encounter a couple of years previously on the Winter Solstice of 1998 when an opened book I chanced upon in public Library showed a picture of a strange being with a Rooster’s Head, a man’s torso carrying a whip and sword and two snakes for legs. Underneath the picture was my name ‘WAI’ in big bold letters and some text relating the symbol to Gnosticism. This sychronous encounter triggered in me a powerful full blown mystical experience of Union with God. But what was particularly special about this mystical experience was that I returned from it with a powerful reminder of it that I brought back to normal reality and which I could use as a sort of talisman to help reconnect myself with the state of being God. The very image of the strange and rather monstrous ancient symbol for God that I had encountered had the effect of connecting me back to the experience of being God if I focused on it for a period of time. It became, I learned later on in my journey, what was referred to as a Yantra or visual meditation focus.
The day after I had the mystical experience triggered by the picture of the ancient symbol for God, I went back to the Library and made a photocopy. It was funny that a mere picture could be filled with such meaning and relevance for me but I knew nothing about what was depicted except that it related to the Gnostics somehow. In the months and years that followed, largely through using some of the early Internet Search Engines that were popular at the time, through typing in some of the other unintelligible words that surrounded the strange image I was able to learn that the thing depicted had a name and that name was ‘Abraxas’. Once I had the name I would quite regularly trawl the Internet for anything and everything I could find out about Abraxas. I discovered that Abraxas was a name for God that was used by the Gnostics, particularly those based in and around Alexandria, Egypt in the earlier centuries AD. Apparently the name also had a more ancient lineage that could be traced back to early Judaism and even, some speculate, back to Ancient Egypt. I also learned that the concept of God as Abraxas, encompassed both the light and the dark. This integrated well with the understanding that I had already arrived at, around this point in my life. Already for me God wasn’t a benevolent father figure, rather to me God was Good and Evil, Male and Female. It seemed perfect that a symbolic representation of a conception of God, i.e. Abraxas, should have awoken the God within me. The true God whom I now know was referred to by the Gnostics, whom I believe to be the original true Christians, as Abraxas.
Also as a part of my Internet research, I particular enjoyed collecting images of what are known as Abraxas Gems or Abraxas Stones, also sometimes coming in the form of Amulets. All of which on them had variations of the same image that I saw in the book. These images had the same effect on me that the original image from the book illicited, they made me feel connected and kept me in a mystical state of mind. In the course of my research I read about some of the interpretations concerning of what the different aspects of the image of Abraxas meant. So I learned that the Shield stood for the protection of wisdom; the Whip represented driving power; The Rooster’s head represented wakeful vigilance; and the snakes were associated with the Divine Feminine. Instinctively I felt that these were qualities which I had to develop in myself and of some of which I was lacking. I don’t know if it was a conscious decision that was made at any point, but without giving it much thought I came around to the idea that somehow my life involved the process of manifesting Abraxas in my person and in my actions, and by so doing I believed I would become God. So I used the images of Abraxas as Yantra or meditation aids that I’d use in the process of becoming a host that would take on and physically embody the idea of Abraxas and therefore also of God.
Somewhere further down the line, this idea of trying to manifest Abraxas became merged with the idea, described earlier, of taking on the goals and imagined attributes of the Messiah or a World Saviour in order to achieve states of spiritual connectedness and borderline mystical experiences. So it was around this time that a basic pattern of systematic mystical practice started to established and become an integral part of my life. I had converged upon the constellation of ideas that in order to achieve full God realization, the process would involve bringing Abraxas, i.e. God, fully into my make up and doing things in life towards messianic goals and helping towards the realization of the happy ending to the World’s problems that the prophecies described.
In effect I had developed my own primative yet effective version of Deity Yoga and Tantra. I had formulated my own system of spiritual practices and disciplines which worked for me. It seemed to have come from within myself quite spontaneously while also absorbing some of the experiences that I’d had and the things that I’d learned in years leading up to this period, especially the Abraxas and Messianic apsects. Also I incorporated some of the existing practices that I had already been doing such as Mantra Meditation or the practice mentally repeating a word or phrase either aloud or in ones head; in my case I would do this internally and in silence. And of course there was the constant study of things Religious, Philosophical and NeuroScientific all of which would help me to feel more connected. I saw definitely that my mental life, the thoughts in my head and my powers of mind were intrinsic and essential parts of my mission and path. Study and thinking became to me a spiritual and mystical discipline. I was encouraged in this way of looking at things by what I’d read in the Bhagavad Gita about ‘Jnana-marg’ or the path of knowledge, also referred to as ‘Sankhaya’ where analytical reasoning was seen as a yogic spiritual discipline which had the potential for manifesting God Consciousness. This made perfect sense to me and was also confirmed by my personal experience. I well knew that my thoughts could sometimes lead me to states of inspiration and spiritual ecstasy that reached the sublime. I had already experienced many instances where my extended contemplations of the divine would take to borderline mystical states of consciousness.
During this Wilderness period of my life spanning the year 2000 to the end of 2001 I was mostly living by myself in a small flat in an area of London called Gospel Oak. It was very near a large stretch of open land and green space in London called Hampstead Heath. In it was a lot of beautiful woodland. For a while this became my mystic grove and natural temple. If this was a time in my life when I needed to reflect and meditate then being so proximate to nature really helped me in that process. I had a regular mystical exercise where I would spend hours walking around the heavy wooded areas in the dark late at night and contemplate mystical, prophetic and philosophical matters. I would meditate on the thought that I was God and the idea that Everyone else was too. I also contemplated what I needed to do and the road ahead. I would get into states of intense focus and borderline mystical connection, a subtle but distinct altered state of consciousness. Then towards the end of this mystical exercise I would walk and stand on Parliament Hill is so named because it is believed that this was the spot where Guy Fawkes stood with his co-conspirators hoping to watch the Houses of Parliament blow up. So Naturally you can get an amazing view of London from here. Anyway I would emerge from the isolated and lonely woodland with my mystic thoughts and in my mind return to the City. Gazing over the night time view of London I would then think about how I could communicate my mystical revelations to mainstream society, perhaps for an hour or so, sometimes less. Then I would go home.
A Strange altered state of consciousness happened to me around July of 2001 while I was having sex with the lady who lived in the apartment next door to mine. These encounters would happen quite unpredictably and never to any sort of plan or routine. From time to time she would quite unexpectedly knock on my door, usually late at night, and then we’d end up in bed together. On this particular occasion my neighbour caught me at home during a period of intense concentration and focus. I had spent all day thinking hard about philosophical and religious things. I remember the weather was hot and it was something like the middle of a heat wave. At the moment that she knocked on my door I was probably in a moment of philosophical contemplation. Anyway I let her in, we chatted a little and then we were having sex. However my mind seemed to be locked in sort of thoughts I was thinking about most of the day. I kept thinking about the Everyone is God thing. My body was fully into it but my head was some place completely different. I felt myself close to orgasm, but at the point of climax I didn’t feel anything, instead I lost all sensation of my body and of time and space. It wasn’t a full blown union with the Universe or God, sort of experience. Even so reality, my physical surroundings and my body seemed to dissappear and for while I was in a tranquil place of pure white light. It was as if I was still my normal self but taken out of my physical context for a while and seemingly transported to another dimension without forms or landmarks, just white light. I kept thinking to myself the thought, ‘it’s beautiful, it’s beautiful...’ This lasted for what felt like 5 or 10 minutes. Then suddenly I was back in my room in bed. Physically I had orgasmed but what I had experienced subjectively was something quite different from normal.
Somehow the combination of sexual excitement, the summer heat and sunshine, the intense study of things philosophical and religious, together with the general otherworldly mind state I was in around this time; all came together to produce radically altered state consciousness for a short while. Quite by accident I had stumbled upon on this ability that we possess to channel sexual and other sorts of emotional or motivational energies in order to transform it into something that could elicit altered states of consciousness. There was actually a name for this process and it was called Tantra. Later on I came to learn more about this process, and came to understand that it wasn’t just sexual energy which was fuel for this process of Consciousness expansion and achieving altered states of mind, but rather all the energies of life were really part and parcel of the spiritual journey of mystical awakening.
Regarding how I came to terms with idea of the Messiah and Expected One, I evolved a doctrine that I believed would make the idea of trying to manifest the Messiah archetype in ones life, less offensive and less the object of ridicule to other people. While it was unwise, pretentious and alienating for someone to claim to be the World Saviour nonetheless the idea that there was a planet to be saved wasn’t. There had to be a way of utilizing the Messiah that potentially exists within all of us towards beneficial effects. I decided that for anyone to claim to be the Chosen One or Messiah was firstly immodest but also an assertion that came from a place of ego, insecurity, need and ultimately selfishness. It was really for others to judge who or what we are and it was senseless for anyone to go into this sort of mindset unless their purpose was to become and stay a complete social outcast or else to form a cult that would likewise be separated from the rest of mainstream society. I had learned in my study of Cults that this was often the path by which they came into being. Someone would claim to be the Messiah, Maitreya, Mahdi or Second Coming and persuade some other people to believe their claim. Some of these cults could go on to become quite large New Religious Movements, but they would always be limited by Messianic claims upon which these organizations were founded. For if membership to these Cults or New Religious Movements required potential adherents to believe that their respective founders in each case were the Chosen Ones, then if for any reason this was rejected by the prospective recruit, it would also mean the rejection of the Cult or New Religious Movement. The problem for all the Cults and Messianic Sects that I learned about was that none of the proposed Messiahs had actually achieved anything Messianic or even remotely world changing.
It boiled down to the fact that it was no good to just claim to be the Messiah or Chosen One; rather more importantly what a person had to do was to deliver the Messianic goods and actually realize the goals and requirements that would qualify a person to be judged as the Messiah. With regard to someone trying to manifest the Messiah archetype or persona in their lives, what this meant is that it is futile and even dangerous to claim to be the Messiah, but rather it is in our actions and effect we have upon the World that we manifest the Messiah. Even though the Messianic mindset can serve as a powerful internal driving force, a sort of personal myth that can inspire a person to do great things, it would be sensible to keep this powerful energy and deity yoga focus as a private matter. To other people and the world at large it is through our actions and achievements that we are judged, so the meaning and purpose of the Messiah archetype and our internal Messianic energies or motivations, matters most in relation what we are able to manifest in our lives and in the real World. The Messiah archetype will have been corrupted if the only thing it produces in a person are idle claims and arrogant boasts.
So I decided that the Messiah was an archetype and divine persona that existed within all of us. The Messiah would be an idea that was the embodiment in a person of all the hopes and yearnings that humans have for a better and more just world, but also that could take it upon ourselves to manifest this persona or archetype in our lives so that in our physical forms we realize and actually embody the Messiah. So that in our lives and in our actions we become, if not the Messiah, then at least a reflection of the Messianic principle. Therefore we become as the Messiah and the agency that helps to bring about the realization of the Prophecies and the creation of a better world. And even if we weren’t the actual Messiah and Chosen One of the Prophecies, supposing this as a future possibility, then at least we could be servants of the Messianic principle and help set up the conditions for greater and better things to come. It was as if the divine purpose was like a baton race where a series of runners passes a baton or stick to each other, with each runner covering part of the total distance to the end of the race. So even if I wasn’t the runner who carried the baton to the finish line, it was still a privilege to have carried the baton some of the way and helping to set things up for later runners. We shouldn’t fixate ourselves on narcissistic thoughts on being some sort of Messiah or Chosen One, instead we could derive real benefit for ourselves and for others, from seeking to embody the messianic principle in our lives and perhaps helping to contribute to manifesting messianic achievements through our actions.
And so I came to reconcile my messianic thoughts and desires to change the world with my everyday existence. I realized that what mattered was what I was able to translate from my imagination into reality, or what I was able to make concrete and meaningful to others. Though I had nothing to show for my life I had the intention to make a significant contribution to human affairs. My messianic tendencies and identification with the Gnostic God Abraxas which merged together, then went on to merge with my existing aims in life and my mission to communicate to people that ‘Everyone is God’ together with my long term goal to explain to the World how the Brain worked and the creation of Artificial Intelligence. These separate strands of my life fused into a single whole and became my inner persona and driving force. I had reconstructed myself by constructing a mythic mystical identitiy and trying to live this out in real life as best I could and as far as I dared. The mission became the spiritual practice so that the goals of my life together with the things I needed to do to achieve those objectives became my mystical path. I saw an outer journey involving doing things and realizing achievements in the real world and the reality I shared with other human beings, while at the same time there would unfold an corresponding inner journey where I sought to become God. I came to understand that the mission was the meditation, the work was the worship and the revolution in the realm of ideas I sought to instigate, was for me the way and true path.